I like being in control. I like the driver’s seat. The problem is, there are times in life when I have no idea where I am going. One of the most difficult things I struggle with is having patience during times of uncertainty, yet I’m certain that I’m afraid to touch the wheel. It is like being stopped still at a caution light, waiting for it to turn red or green. Yet when it is okay to go, you are not sure whether you are supposed to turn left, right or go straight forward.
My logical mind knows that I need to relax. Patience and time will provide me the directions that I need. My life’s map will not fail me. It’s my emotions that struggle. My anxiety rises and my brain scrambles. My mind wanders and creates plans for all the potential possibilities. The time I sometimes waste planning for the multiple possibilities that life may present is ridiculous, as by the time the direction becomes clear, it is likely these plans are no longer possible. Why do I do this? Why is it so hard for me to simply let go of control?
I’ve come to accept the idea that this must be something inherent in people. My husband and I were once driving around lost (he was driving) looking for a park. My daughter, who was 4-years old at the time, said “dad, just give me the map.” Obviously, she was no help. Now at 6-years of age, clearly she too, likes to be in control.
I’m not sure I’ll ever completely change. I continue to work at being better at sitting back and allowing life to happen as it should, especially during times of confusion. I know the dust will settle and the fog will lift. Soon, I will be driving down the road in full knowledge of where I am again, happy to have the road of uncertainty in my rear view mirror.